EXHORTATION FOR LOVE AND COMPASSION AMONGST COUPLES

LECTURER: DR FAADHIL ABIOLA NURUDEEN AL-IMAAM

TRANSLATED AND TRANSCRIBED BY ABU FAWZAAN ABDULBARR IBN ISMAIL ADEDOKUN.

I seek refuge in Allah from Satan, the expelled (from His mercy). In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful. All praise belongs to He who created and proportioned and who destined and then guided and who brings out the pasture and (then) makes it black stubble. May commendations and protection be upon our chosen prophet, his household and his companions until the day of recompense. To proceed, As-salaamuLloohi’alaykum warahmotuhu wabarokaatuh!

Let everyone engaged in other things listen to me attentively. I need three volunteer families that comprise a husband and a wife each to come forth. I would rather one veiled woman at least be included i.e a veiled woman and her husband. Let the women sit behind their husbands. To proceed, I appreciate those that stepped out. 

I would just ask you some questions which I want to be lessons to all and sundry due to some values that we have lost unknowingly which has hence destroyed our homes markedly. Islam is unsurpassed in the preaching of good conduct between couples but due to our ignorance about the religion, we have forfeited a ton of things. This might seem hilarious but it isn’t, rather it’s edifying and I’m certain that after this session every spouse here would feel some guilt in them. 

From the sunnah of the Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) that earns one reward from Allah. Many an individual believes performing salah is the only way to garner reward from Allah, they are oblivious of the fact that we also increase in ranks (as the elderly say that we rise in “makaamah”) by kind treatment towards spouses. One could attain the ranks of the one who always observes voluntary prayers all night through one’s good conduct toward their spouse. From the actions of the Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) which he encouraged us on is placing morsels of food in one's wife’s mouth. 

Shaykh(directs question at first couple): Ustaadh Muhammad AbdulKareem, since you got married, your wife is right behind you to debunk you if you tell lies and she must debunk you because it’s in her favor to do so perhaps it would cause her to start enjoying this sunnah. Since you married your wife, have you ever put a morsel of food in her mouth before?

Muhammad AbdulKareem: Yes.

Shaykh: How many times?

Muhammad AbdulKareem: Every time including this morning.

Shaykh: Okay, that’s fine. You did it this morning?

Muhammad AbdulKareem: Yes.

Shaykh: Okay, give the microphone to his wife… Is that true or not?

Wife: Yes, it’s true.

Shaykh: Allahu Akbar! Don’t deceive us. In that case, you have passed.

(Moves to the next couple)

Shaykh: AbdulWaasi’ Olapade! Have you ever put a morsel of food in your wife’s mouth before since you married her? 

Mr AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: Yes.

Shaykh: Do you remember how many times you’ve done that? Two? or three times?

Mr AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: I do not know the number of times.

Shaykh: But you forgot this morning?

Mr AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: Yes, because we were caught up in something.

Shaykh: I appreciate your honesty. Make a pledge to observe that sunnah this afternoon or evening. Now say it.

Mr AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: Yes, I would do it. 

Shaykh: Alhamdulillah. 

(Moves to the next couple)

Shaykh: AbdulKareem Giwa! Have you ever put a morsel of food in your wife’s mouth before? 

AbdulKareem Giwa: Yes

Shaykh: Did you do it this morning?

AbdulKareem Giwa: Yes, even this morning we put spoonfuls of food in our mouths. 

Shaykh: Allahu Akbar (laughs).

If asked, many will fail this second question meanwhile, we’re not as busy as the ones who observe it i.e. our Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection). 

Shaykh: Do you bathe with with your wife?

AbdulKareem Giwa: No

Shaykh: Ma’am is that true?

Wife: (Inaudible speech)

(Moves to AbdulWaasi’ Olapade)

Shaykh: Do you bathe with your wife? 

AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: I’ve had bath with her before.

Shaykh: You seldom do it right or you have done it once before? 

AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: We’ve had our baths together before.

Shaykh: I’m coming back to you. Ma’am is that correct?

Wife: Yes, but only once.

Shaykh: Allahu Akbar! 

(Moves to Mr. Giwa)

Mr. Giwa: The situation is that we are both civil servants and we leave home at the same time to board the same transport, so we’d definitely have our bath together before leaving.

Shaykh: (Laughs) Ma’am is he right or just deceiving us?

Wife: (Inaudible speech)

Shaykh: Okay, you’d just commence it. Good!

I’m now directing my speech to everyone present here. I only presented you as examples. Ustaadh Muhammad AbdulKareem. Today, you have just married a new wife because she’s now one. When you arrive home, you should both bathe together. Madam, if she refuses, pull him to the bathroom. Would you do it? 

Muhammad AbdulKareem: Insha Allah Yes!

Shaykh: Alhamdulillah. Now ma’am you should be delighted already that you’d both have your bath together today. 

AbdulWaasi’ Olapade! Doing it sometimes isn’t befitting! Switch to the correct mode. Would you do it today?

AbdulWaasi’ Olapade: Insha Allah I would. 

Shaykh: Good… Mr Giwa?

AbdulKareem Giwa: We would increase the frequency.

Shaykh: (laughs) Alhamdulillah. 

(Shaykh summons his students to begin recitation from the Qur’an).

“And we have not sent you, (O Muhammad), except as a mercy to the worlds” (Qur’an 21:107). Who is being described here? It’s Prophet Muhammad (may Allah grant him commendation and protection). Towards the end of Suratu-Tawbah, Allah says “There has certainly come to you a Messenger from among yourselves. Grievous to him is what you suffer; [he is] concerned over you and to the believers is kind and merciful” (Qur’an 9:128).

If we do not know any other verse from the Qur’an other than these two then we shouldn’t be apprehensive when they say this act is from the sunnah of the Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) because the one who came with the sunnah was described by Allah thus, “And we have not sent you, (O Muhammad), except as a mercy to the worlds”. Likewise, he was described as kind and merciful to the believers. 

In our society in Yorubaland, some traditions exist that are derogatory to the womenfolk and the Muslims are affected alike. I know this lecture favours women particularly but it favours men also because we have daughters, mothers and sisters. From our customs in the Yorubaland which the shariah has amended and abrogated is “Having more than four wives”. This is permitted in the Yoruba tradition and Islam forbids such act. Islam permits having more than one wife with specified rules. However, there are no rules on this in Yorubaland, they go ahead marrying as much as they desire thereby turning women into slaves and treating them like worthless items. Islam states that if you would do that (have more than a wife) there are conditions that must be fulfilled.  

Allah says, “Then marry those that please you of women, two or three or four. (Qur’an 4: 3) That is the limit, don’t exceed four and if you do, you would plunge into hell as a consequence if you’re not careful. Notwithstanding, it further warns that, “…but if you fear that you will not be just, then (marry only) one”. Women love this part a lot, and nearly all women know this especially the learned ones amongst them. Likewise, if a man is also knowledgeable then he has his own proof thus, “Men are in charge of women…” (Qur’an 4:34).

Women are being humiliated in our society especially in Yorubaland and one of the ways by which women are humiliated is concerning wives within their husbands’ family especially when they are young such that they are not accorded due respect by the children amongst their husbands’ family.

This address goes to new couples especially the groom’s family. When the bride arrives home, don’t permit the young children at home to address her by her name (as a way of disrespect). That is a reprehensible custom of the Yoruba tribe that demonstrates how women’s dignity become impaired due to marriage evidenced by kids young enough to be their own children summoning them by their names out of disrespect. It’s an act of humiliation that conflicts the teachings of the shariah. Understand that our mothers’ co-wives deserve the same reverence as our own mothers. Can you then call your mother by her name?! If you can’t do that then you must put your mother’s co-wives up the pedestal as well. Hence, we must make amends to this affair.

From the acts of humiliation against women in the Yoruba tradition is turning women into beasts of burden. In the olden days, the farmers, after harvesting their yams and other farm produce, they mount them on their wives and stroll leisurely behind her. The wife carries the load on her head with a child on her back and holding another child in her hand. The responsibility of carrying that load is on the husband according to the injunction of the Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection). Men in the audience are expressing their amazement about this matter. Such is the command of Allah on treating women. Heavy loads are to be carried by men. Such (reprehensible act) is from the traditions of the Yoruba tribe that must be abrogated. The Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) says, “The best of you are the best to their women”.         

From the reprehensible acts of humiliation against women in the society is that women are the one’s solely in charge of the children. Sometimes, the wives also cater for the husband. That is a reprehensible tradition of the Yoruba tribe. In the western system, both parents share the responsibilities in two halves whereby the husband calls a meeting with his wife when the children resume school to share the responsibility of funding their tuition. It’s not shared in Islam rather it is the husband’s sole responsibility. The onus is on the husband! Islam commands spending adequately on your wives not sparingly. Allah commands that you spend sufficiently, spend completely on your wives. Hence, the reason Allah favoured men over women. He says, “…and what they spend (for maintenance) from their wealth.” (Qur’an 4:34). The Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) stated in an hadith collected by Imam Muslim thus, “And upon you is their provision and their clothing according to what is acceptable”. There’s another hadith also in Sahih Muslim… (students recite hadith in chorus). O men! let’s practise the sunnah wholly and completely and refrain from being selective in our practice of the sunnah. Let’s inculcate the sunnah of treating our wives in the best manner. If we do not read anymore hadith after this then it’s sufficient to accentuate spending completely on our wives. Listen to the hadith, the Prophet stated spending in four different categories and if we were asked to select the best of those four, our responses would differ from the Prophet’s (may Allah grant him commendation and protection).

“The first is the money spent on jihad, the second is the money spent to manumit a slave, the third is that spent on an indigent to liberate him from poverty and the money spent of your wives and children”. If we were asked to select the best in reward, many would go for the first i.e jihad. The Prophet however remarked that the one with the highest reward is that spent on one’s wives and children. 

Furthermore, as we demonstrated earlier, putting morsels of food in one’s wife’s mouth also earns one reward. The Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) says, “You would earn reward from Allah for whatever you spend in charity even as much as putting a morsel of food in your wife’s mouth”. People often enquire about the wife’s putting morsels in her husband’s mouth if she would be rewarded as well? The husband is emphasised here because they are the maintainers of women and they naturally tend to be stricter than women. As an analogy if both were asked parade themselves, a bride would beat the groom at parading herself as a bride than the groom would. The prophet emphasised on men because men are naturally tougher than women. If a woman also places a morsel of food in her husband’s mouth to increase her love and compassion in his heart, then she has engaged in charity also and would definitely have her reward.

(Student continues recitation) 

From the disgraceful treatments confronting women in the Yoruba tribe is the complete abandonment of her family after marriage. They relinquish their maiden names after marriage which contradicts the shariah. When a woman gets married, she retains her maiden name. However, she could be addressed as the wife of her husband e.g. if she was Zainab Giwa before marriage then she doesn’t change to Zainab Adeleke on account of marriage. However, she could be addressed as Zainab Giwa, wife of Adeleke. That’s the ruling according to shariah. Lo! we have committed an offence before our Lord by engaging in that. Everywoman ascribing herself to her husband must know that sins would be recorded in her account whenever she’s addressed by her husband’s surname and same ruling applies to those calling them by such names. Hence, we must abolish this tradition from our society.

From the evidence corroborating women’s humiliation in the Yoruba tribe albeit not pervasive is donating women in charity. How could a woman be given in charity? SubhaanAllah! Giving women in charity as wives is prohibited in the shariah. Women must not be married off in charity. This is from the customs that must be abolished as it’s untoward and Allah forbids such because women are priceless in the shariah. In a hadith narrated by Abdullah bn Buraydah from his father that a lady came to the Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) and sought intervention of the prophet as her father intends to donate her in charity (to a man). The Prophet (may Allah grant him commendation and protection) reprimanded the father for such act and commanded him to leave the matter to her daughter to make the choice of whom to marry. Therefore, it’s impermissible to donate a woman in charity as a wife. 

From the ignominious acts against women in the Yoruba tribe is the confiscation of the money paid to the bride as her mahr by the groom or his father. Some men forcefully retrieve the mahr they have given their wives after marriage and some grooms’ fathers oppressively obtain a share of their daughter-in-law’s mahr. This belongs to the bride alone, the shariah forbids seizing it from her. 

Lastly, from the disgraceful treatments of women in the society, some Islamic clerics are also guilty of this act too evidenced by their belief that their supplication won’t be answered promptly if a woman appears during such supplication. We must be wary not to transgress the boundaries set by Allah and his messenger (may Allah grant him commendation and protection), when we outstep these boundaries then we’re prone to making fallacious utterances. They believe that the acceptance of such invocations would get delayed and some go overboard to vituperate their wives for appearing at such periods. This is wrong in the shariah. Islam prohibits ascribing evil to anything as its cause when it’s not the case. Rather, this is from the acts of the pre-Islamic era of ignorance.

Allah says, “And we have not sent you, (O Muhammad), except as a mercy to the worlds” (Qur’an 21:107). Likewise, He says, “There has certainly come to you a Messenger from among yourselves. Grievous to him is what you suffer; [he is] concerned over you and to the believers is kind and merciful” (Qur’an 9:128). (Shaykh and students chorus recitation)

As-salaam’alaykum warahmotuLloohi wabarokaatuH!